"Beyond Likeability: The Courage to Lead Amidst Unspoken Trips to Abilene"
- lhumaninfo
- Jun 11
- 2 min read
I have often seen a hidden struggle in leadership: the pull between taking care of others and the fundamental need to care for yourself. "Leaders, take care of yourselves first," a Creative Leadership post advised. Then, a dog sitter recently said, "Dogs come first, even before me!" My thought: if you are not well, how can they depend on you? This isn't just self-preservation; it is about long-term effectiveness. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Yet, for many emerging leaders and women in leadership, this truth is often lost amidst the complex pressures of their roles. New leaders, often wanting to be liked more than respected, may avoid tough decisions or critical feedback. This desire for approval can stop them from setting clear boundaries. For women, it is harder still. They face a unique dilemma: if they are decisive and direct, they risk being labelled "difficult to work with." If they are collaborative and empathetic, they might be seen as "soft" or not decisive enough. This challenging balance makes honest feedback exceptionally difficult. How do you speak truth while constantly worrying about judgment?
These unspoken fears and desires often lead to Jerry B. Harvey's Abilene Paradox. Imagine a group, each secretly wanting to stay home, but agreeing to a miserable trip because everyone assumes others want to go. No one speaks their mind, leading to an unwanted "agreement." In leadership, this paradox appears when:
* The fear of perceived negative labels (like being "difficult to work with") or the desire for approval leads to silence. Leaders agree to things they don't truly want, fearing conflict or social repercussions.
* Communication is unclear. Everyone signals support for disliked decisions, reinforcing a false group consensus.
* Actions are based on incorrect assumptions, not genuine desires.
This dynamic is particularly harmful when leaders avoid tough truths or necessary feedback. It thrives where diverse opinions are unwelcome and genuine debate is stifled. The irony: by trying to please everyone or avoid perceived friction, we often please no one. The solution is to lead with authenticity and clear values. This means:
* Knowing yourself: Understanding your own tendencies to avoid conflict or seek excessive validation.
* Speaking bravely: Being able to share your thoughts and give honest feedback, even when it's uncomfortable.
* Prioritizing self-care: Knowing your well-being fuels effective, empathetic, and truthful leadership.
When you prioritize your well-being, you become stronger. You are less likely to fall into the Abilene Paradox and better able to give vital team feedback. You become a more authentic, effective leader. The real "trip to Abilene" is the internal journey we take when we fail to honor our needs and speak our truths. This is exactly where coaching can help you navigate this journey.
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